# Highlights: Compassionate Leadership by Rasmus Hougaard  ## Metadata - Author:: [[Rasmus Hougaard]] - Full Title: Compassionate Leadership - Category: #books - Date Created: [[2024-02-18]] ## Highlights ### How to Do Hard Things in a Human Way #### The Data on Wise Compassion in Leadership >[!quote] > Wisdom without compassion can be ruthless, and compassion without wisdom can be naïve. Just as a bird has two wings to keep balance, wisdom and compassion must go together. You can only act truly compassionately if you also have the wisdom of understanding a situation clearly. If you don’t, even your best intended actions can become a disservice for the ones you intend to support. As a matter of fact, without wisdom, good intentions can be the direct path to unskillful actions, chaos, and unnecessary human suffering for the very people you try to help. (Page 9) #### The Wise Compassion Matrix #### The Wise Compassion Flywheel— Operating from Quadrant 2 #### Getting to Wise Compassion ### 1 Unlearn Management, Relearn Being Human >[!quote] > Nhlamu’s comments point to a foundational truth about the difference between management and leadership. Management is about managing others. Leadership is about seeing and hearing others, setting a direction, and then letting go of managing what happens next. If you want to be a good leader, there are a few things you need to understand: First, nobody wants to be managed. Second, who you are is more important than how smart you are. And last, leadership is all about developing and enabling meaningful and trusting human relationships. (Page 18) #### Our Common Humanity >[!quote] > We Are Compassionate by Nature (Page 21) - Note: #books Survival of the friendliest by Brian Hare and Vanessa Woods >[!quote] > Survival of the Friendliest, (Page 21) #### We Are Hardwired for Compassion #### Does Leadership Make Us Kinder or Colder? #### Great Compassion, but Less Individual Care #### The Data on Wisdom and Compassion by Leadership Level >[!quote] > This figure reveals some interesting insights. First, leaders rate themselves as increasingly wiser and more compassionate as they rise in rank, with team leads rating themselves lowest, executives highest, and senior directors and upper management in the middle. Why? If we listen to the qualitative interviews, the answer is that they feel increasingly more responsibility, and therefore call for care, as they get promoted. The compassion they feel, however, is directed more to the many employees as a whole and less toward individuals. (Page 25) #### Universal Compassion #### Universal Compassion in Action #### Strategy 1: Remember the Golden Rule #### Strategy 2: Put Yourself in Their Shoes >[!quote] > Strategy 3: Listen Intensively (Page 31) #### Strategy 4: Always Give More Than You Take >[!quote] > Strategy 5: Ask Yourself, How Can I Be of Benefit? (Page 32) #### Strategy 6: Stretch People to Make Them See Their Greater Potential #### Strategy 7: Help People to See What They Really Need to Be Happy ### 2 Great Power Comes with Great Responsibility #### In Hard Times, Leadership Impact Is Amplified >[!quote] > As leaders, we have an even greater impact on people during hard times like economic slowdowns, global pandemics, and mass layoffs. Why? Because people are anxious, vulnerable, and fearful of what may happen. During these times, people look to their leaders with a hope that they will do the right thing— even if it is hard. And if it is hard, that they’ll do it in a human way. (Page 38) >[!quote] > To read the full letter, see the following website: https:// news.airbnb.com/ a- message- from- co- founder- and- ceo- brian- chesky/. (Page 40) #### Necessary Evils #### Skillful Means ##### Make It Skillful and Compassionate >[!quote] > Is It Selfish or Selfless? (Page 44) ##### Is It Aligned with Your Company’s Purpose? >[!quote] > A company’s purpose is its north star, its everlasting beacon that directs decisions for the long- term, greater good. But in focusing on the greater good, short- term, individual needs often must be sacrificed. And therein lies the eternal tension for any leader and any company— balancing the long- term needs of the company with the short- term, individual needs of people. By aligning your decision with your company’s purpose you can guide your decision and secure greater buy- in from others. (Page 47) - Note: This is why i'm so adamant about defining purpose ##### Is It Benefiting the Greater Good for the Long Term? #### Wise Compassion by Gender #### Wise Compassion Extends to All Stakeholders >[!quote] > As Sheri Bronstein, CHRO of Bank of America, shared with us, “It’s about looking at things from every angle before you make a decision. Are we considering a balance of perspectives— our teammates, our customers, our communities, our shareholders and the future of the business— when weighing options? And then, ultimately, when we do have to make complex decisions, we need to practice empathy, be transparent and talk about the ‘why’ behind our actions in a human way.” (Page 52) ### 3 Connect with Empathy, Lead with Compassion >[!quote] > As leaders, we must connect with others through empathy, but we have to lead with compassion. Making this distinction is not just an issue of semantics: it is a critical distinction needed to secure your own well- being and the success of the people and the organization you lead. (Page 54) #### Empathy versus Compassion #### Empathy + Action = Compassion >[!quote] > Choose Compassion (Page 57) ##### Compassion Makes You Feel Empowered >[!quote] > Another study found that compassion leads to a sense of empowerment and a predominantly positive state of mind— even in the face of other people’s challenges. Why? Because compassion gives us the confidence that we can help them, rather than being caught up in their distress. (Page 58) ##### Compassion Makes You Unite People >[!quote] > “Just like a mother bear is most dangerous around her cubs, we are at our most dangerous when someone we love is threatened by an outsider.” Their research reveals how our ability to have empathy makes us “the most tolerant species on the planet and also makes us the cruelest.” 7 In fact, recent research finds that people prone to empathy are also prone to enjoying seeing other people (those who are not part of their in- group) experience problems. (Page 59) >[!quote] > Empathy Can Lead to Immoral and Unethical Decisions (Page 60) - Note: #books Against Empathy by Paul Bloom >[!quote] > Against Empathy, (Page 60) #### Empathy Is Needed— but Just for a Moment ##### Leverage the Spark of Empathy >[!quote] > It is important, though, to avoid making this a robotic shift. We must show the person that we have felt what they feel. When they believe that we’ve seen them and understand what they’re experiencing, we can establish emotional resonance. This creates trust, and trust opens the other person to receive help. But to do this, we first must overcome the empathetic hijack. (Page 62) ##### Experience the Difference between Empathy and Compassion #### Empathy versus Compassion by Gender, Level, and Industry ##### Overcoming the Empathetic Hijack >[!quote] > Take a Mental and Emotional Step Away: (Page 66) >[!quote] > Ask What They Need: (Page 66) ##### Establish Emotional Resonance: >[!quote] > Coach the Person to Find Their Own Solution: (Page 67) >[!quote] > Remember the Power of Nonaction: (Page 67) #### Compassion and Self- Care ### 4 Your Oxygen Mask First #### Loneliness, Sadness, and Doubt ##### Loneliness >[!quote] > To be successful as leaders, it is important that we have people we can share things with. For many of the leaders we spoke with, the person they engaged to overcome the sense of loneliness and isolation was their partner or spouse. But it could also be a peer, a close friend, or a trusted colleague. The key is to recognize the reality of the natural loneliness that comes with the role and ensure you have someone you can talk to and feel a sense of true connection. In this light, it is not surprising that research finds that many successful and high achievers tend to have higher levels of social support from various relationships. They’re high achievers in the first place because they make sure they aren’t alone in achieving those milestones. Being successful and performing well in one’s life or profession isn’t a lone wolf thing. It takes the tribe around you to build your strength and motivation to pursue future successes. (Page 73) - Date: 17 February 2024, 1.24a.m. - Tags: [[h4]] ##### Sadness ##### Doubt >[!quote] > Doubt keeps us connected and enables us to bring natural humility to the reality of the task at hand. The key is to allow doubt to arise, but not let it fester. Successful leaders are the ones who can use insights from their doubting minds and move forward. (Page 75) ##### Taking Care of Self >[!quote] > The Mind of the Leader, (Page 76) >[!quote] > Befriend the Inner Critic (Page 76) >[!quote] > The antidote to self- criticism is self- compassion. Kristen Neff, professor at the University of Texas and author of the bestselling book Self- Compassion, puts it this way: self- criticism asks, “Am I good enough?” Self- compassion asks, “What’s good for me?” in terms of my own mental health and well- being. (Page 78) >[!quote] > The number one reason people give for why they aren’t more self- compassionate is the fear that they will be too easy on themselves. (Page 78) ##### Beware the Second Arrow >[!quote] > We talked with the Dalai Lama about leading during difficult situations. He shared something he is often quoted for: “If you have a problem and you can do something about it, what reason is there to worry? But also, if you have a problem and you can’t do anything about it, what reason is there to worry?” Rejecting situations that are challenging only makes them stronger. The path to inner peace is acceptance. (Page 80) ##### Recharge Your Batteries >[!quote] > A reflection exercise where you write your obituary can be a helpful way to confirm what is really important in your life. It can help you reflect on how you want to be seen and the legacy you would like to leave. The following are nine steps to guide you through the process: Set aside an hour when you won’t be interrupted. Turn off your devices and put them away. Find a comfortable place to sit. Set a timer for ten minutes. Find a comfortable body position where you are relaxed and yet still alert. Allow your attention to naturally follow the rhythm of your breath. Allow the breath to breathe itself. Do not try to control it. Just breathe. Let your attention rest on the experience of breathing. After a few minutes, allow yourself to imagine what your funeral would be like. Imagine the people who would be there. The sorrow they would experience. Now consider things that different people would say about you and about your life. After a few minutes sitting with this experience, bring your attention back to the breath. Let go of any sadness that arose during the exercise. Let your attention rest on the experience of breathing until the timer ends. Now, reflecting on this experience, consider what you would like people to think and say about you now and when you are gone. Consider your aspirations— what kind of person do you want to be? Take time to write an obituary based on your aspirations for the life you want to live, which may be different from the life you are currently living. Now make note of any changes that you want to make in your life right now that will help you steer more toward the life you want. (Page 82) #### Do It for You— Do It for Others >[!quote] > It is not innate human aggression that sometimes makes us aggressive. It is more often our lack of care and respect for ourselves. There is an often- used axiom: Hurt people hurt people. This means that people who have been harmed have a greater tendency to do harm to others. When we are not caring for ourselves, we’re not able to care for others. And when we don’t fully respect ourselves, we will lack the full respect of others. The path to strong leadership is not to be self- critical of ourselves, but rather to care for ourselves and respect ourselves— so we can do the same to the people we lead. (Page 83) ### 5 Busyness Kills Your Heart #### What’s So Great about Being Busy? ##### The Attraction of Busyness >[!quote] > Busyness Feels Productive (Page 89) ##### Busyness Is Addictive #### We Can Overcome Busyness ##### Busyness Is a Choice ##### Manage Time and Priorities >[!quote] > Being able to realistically assess time and priorities is hard. It takes discipline, experience, and practice. This is wisdom in action. Overcoming busyness by better managing time and priorities enables us to be a wiser and more compassionate leader. This takes ruthless prioritization and disciplined assessment of time. Too many of us have a lot to do and hope somehow we can get it all done. But in the back of our minds, we know we can’t, and so the foot is still on the gas pedal, creating excessive stress. The only way to take the foot off that pedal is if we take time to be ruthless in assessing our priorities and disciplined in evaluating and managing our time. This should be done quarterly, monthly, weekly, and daily so that we always have the big picture in mind to ensure we are getting the right things done. (Page 93) - Note: This is why i time box everything and also breakdown my annual OKRs all the way down to weeks >[!quote] > Morten Hansen, author of Great at Work and coauthor of Great by Choice, (Page 94) - Date: 17 February 2024, 1.24a.m. - Tags: [[h5]] >[!quote] > The following are some tips to help you overcome busyness through better time management and the clarification of your priorities: (Page 94) >[!quote] > Clear Mental Clutter: (Page 94) ##### Assess Priorities: >[!quote] > Manage Your Time: (Page 95) >[!quote] > Put People First (Page 95) >[!quote] > Here are some tips that can help ensure that you “put people first” as a way to help overcome busyness: (Page 96) - Date: 17 February 2024, 1.24a.m. - Tags: [[h5]] >[!quote] > Prioritize People in Your Calendar: (Page 96) >[!quote] > Leverage Development Opportunities: (Page 96) >[!quote] > Create a To- Be List versus a To- Do List: (Page 96) ##### Value Busylessness >[!quote] > “If you just sit and observe, you will see how restless your mind is,” Apple founder Steve Jobs told biographer Walter Isaacson. “If you try to calm it, it only makes things worse, but over time it does calm, and when it does, there’s room to hear more subtle things— that’s when your intuition starts to blossom and you start to see things more clearly and be in the present more. Your mind just slows down, and you experience tremendous expanse in the moment. You see so much more than you could see before. It’s a discipline; you have to practice it.” (Page 97) #### Radical Acceptance >[!quote] > Staying in the ambiguity requires radical acceptance. (Page 98) >[!quote] > Radical acceptance is accepting the things we really want to be different but cannot change. It requires sitting with the discomfort of things that are uncomfortable. It requires embracing our resistance to wanting things to be different. (Page 98) #### Clarity, People, and Presence ### 6 Be Here Now #### Be Aware to Be Present >[!quote] > In our previous books— One Second Ahead and The Mind of the Leader— we have written extensively about how we are wired for distraction and how we can train our minds to be more in the moment. (Page 105) - Note: #books ##### Mindful Awareness ##### You Are Not Your Thoughts ##### Understand Your Ego ##### Your Reaction Is a Choice #### Mindful Presence with Others ##### It’s Not about You ##### Be Curious and Don’t Make Assumptions ##### Let Go of Expectations ##### It is also important to be able to let go of things the other person says in the moment. Remember, they are human. This is not easy for them. They may be upset. They may say things to you and about you that are not nice. Give space for this. You don’t need to agree, but you can let them have a moment to express sorrow, frustration, anger, or shame. >[!quote] > Use the Power of the Pause (Page 115) #### Presence Takes Courage ### 7 Courage over Comfort >[!quote] > With the world locking down, there was a lot of economic anxiety. Many organizations had to make the tough call to reduce their workforce to keep their business afloat. But early on, Pam committed to protecting jobs, even as that felt like a risk: As a new CEO, it felt challenging to make this decision because I wanted to come in as a leader, drive growth, and hit my targets. But in this truly once- in- a- lifetime situation we found ourselves in, my most important responsibility was to take care of our people. There was no other option and no greater priority. In those early days, it was not business as usual. Every moment, my job as a leader centered around helping people at Avanade feel safe and cared for— whether that was through reassurance that they would be supported if they had to step away to handle their new and unexpected responsibilities, access to mental health resources, or flexibility in their day- to- day routines. Pam removed chargeability requirements for consultants in the early months of the pandemic and lifted PTO limits as people needed to step away. As a leader, she saw an opportunity to demonstrate real courage to steer the ship through difficult times. She shared a principle that has guided her throughout her career: “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” (Page 118) #### This is the role of leaders: to make and execute hard decisions. Therefore, making hard decisions often means that others will get hurt or disagree with you, resulting in a confrontation. Having the courage to willingly approach confrontations is one of the most important skills of wise compassionate leaders. When this skill is lacking, bigger problems are sure to arise over time. >[!quote] > Courage versus Comfort (Page 120) >[!quote] > Courage is different from fearlessness. (Page 121) - Note: #books >[!quote] > Danger in the Comfort Zone, Judith Bardwick (Page 121) ##### Understanding Our Fears ##### Understanding Ourselves ##### The Courage to Be Vulnerable >[!quote] > Brené Brown, professor and author of Dare to Lead, states that “vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.” (Page 125) >[!quote] > Therefore, recognizing and embracing your own emotions is critical to developing compassionate leadership. Learning to be with and embrace your own difficult emotions also helps you create a more compassionate and psychologically safe culture within your team. (Page 126) #### Courageous Confrontations #### Learn to Accept the Discomfort of Confrontation #### Developing your ability to manage confrontations with wisdom, care, and respect is not just a professional capability that will make you a better leader. It will also allow you to have more positive and constructive confrontations in your personal life. Wise compassionate confrontations offer a great journey of personal growth and liberation. >[!quote] > Strategies for Developing Courage (Page 130) >[!quote] > Strategy 1: Have at least one courageous confrontation every day. (Page 131) >[!quote] > Strategy 2: Explore the impact of your courageous confrontations. (Page 131) >[!quote] > Strategy 3: Deal with things— never let them fester. (Page 131) >[!quote] > Strategy 4: Trust your intuition. (Page 131) >[!quote] > Strategy 5: Get peer support. (Page 131) #### Strategy 6: Find the courage to endure. >[!quote] > Courageous Cultures (Page 132) ### 8 Direct Is Faster #### Caring Candor, Not Brutal Honesty ##### To help you reflect on whether how you speak is caring directness or brutal honesty, imagine there is a microphone in the room recording you. Would you be willing to share the recording with the rest of the organization? If you were to modify the recording and be the receiver versus the sender, would you want someone to speak like that to you? >[!quote] > Faster, Smarter, Better (Page 138) ##### Candor Is Kindness ##### Candor Sends the Right Message ##### Don’t Wrap a Hand Grenade ##### When we conceal hard messages, it is equivalent to wrapping a hand grenade. It may make us feel better because we are softening something difficult, but it can leave the receiver confused and uneasy. Instead, when we have tough messages, we need to have the courage to be direct. We need to relay our message as simply and plainly as possible. If you deliver the equivalent of an emotional hand grenade, have the kindness and respect to ensure that the recipient sees it for what it is. Though it may feel harsh, it is, in fact, the kind thing to do. Then, at least, they know what they have just received. >[!quote] > Minding the Landmines (Page 143) >[!quote] > Consider Culture Differences (Page 144) - Note: #books >[!quote] > Erin Meyer, author of The Culture Map, (Page 144) #### Strategies for Caring Candor ##### Strategy 1: Be Mindful of the Setting and Context ##### Strategy 2: Say It Now and Do It Quickly >[!quote] > Strategy 3: Bottom Line It First (Page 147) ##### Strategy 4: Be Firm and Decisive >[!quote] > Strategy 5: Avoid the Popularity Game (Page 148) ##### Strategy 6: Have Zero Tolerance for Value Breakers #### Candor Creates Clarity >[!quote] > In our conversation with Narayana Murthy, founder and former CEO of Infosys, one of the values he instilled in the company was “let the good news take the stairs, but ensure bad news always takes the elevator.” (Page 150) ### 9 Clarity Is Kindness #### Caring Transparency for Clear Communication #### Clarity, Kindness, and Transparency Enable Trust #### Transparency Creates Psychological Safety >[!quote] > The Fearless Organization, Edmondson (Page 156) - Note: #books >[!quote] > One widely cited study that enhanced understanding of the power of psychological safety in teams was called Project Aristotle, done by Google. The study identified five critical traits of high- performing teams and found that psychological safety was the most foundational of these traits. 1 That is, without psychological safety, you cannot have a high- performing team. (Page 156) #### Strategies to Enhance Caring Transparency ##### Strategy 1: Strive for Clarity as a State of Mind >[!quote] > Taking time to pause before sending a message or starting a meeting is also a way to ensure what you are sending or saying is as clear as possible. This is kindness. Consider how much confusion has occurred and how much time has been wasted in your organization because an email was unclear or meeting objectives were not clearly defined. Clarity as a state of mind is also about having a discipline of being clear and concise in your communication. (Page 159) >[!quote] > As wisely stated by the artist Hans Hoffman, “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” In other words, less is more. (Page 159) >[!quote] > To ensure what you are saying is clear, it is better to have short, crisp messages. If a message is long- winded, the main point can get lost and people might leave confused and lost. (Page 159) ##### Strategy 2: Treat People as Adults ##### Strategy 3: Seek Clarity to Enhance Clarity >[!quote] > Strategy 4: Make Time for Connection (Page 161) ##### In today’s virtual, remote workspace, we need to be much more intentional in making time to connect. This can take many forms, including check- ins at the beginning of meetings, informal virtual cafés, online social activities, or structured exercises facilitated online or in person. >[!quote] > Paul Daugherty is the chief technology officer at Accenture and author of the book Human and Machine: Reimagining Work in the Age of AI. (Page 162) >[!quote] > “All businesses are technology businesses, and leaders need to understand that. But ultimately, it is our ability to cultivate meaningful human connections that allows a business to thrive.” (Page 162) >[!quote] > Strategy 5: Encourage Dissent (Page 162) ##### Strategy 6: Demonstrate Humility >[!quote] > Strategy 7: Show Your True Self (Page 165) - Note: I share this sentiment >[!quote] > Noah Rabinowitz, chief learning officer at Intel, shared with us that he doesn’t understand why people talk about their professional selves and their personal selves as if they are different people. “I don’t believe you can actually be two people,” he told us. “You can behave differently, but you’re only one person.” (Page 165) >[!quote] > One leader we spoke with shared a story of how during a really challenging team meeting, her three- year- old ran through the background without pants. Understandably, her first reaction was embarrassment. But she soon noticed a change in the dynamics of the call. People were more at ease, the heaviness of the discussion was lifted, and someone made a joke about how they might want to consider employing the naked child to run a marketing campaign due to his boldness. Upon reflection, the leader realized that too often she had put up a shield of being the boss and being in control. She was now able to let that go. And when she did, the team opened up and even volunteered to take on tasks that would usually fall to her. (Page 165) - Note: Lol >[!quote] > Transparency Leads to Presence (Page 166) - Note: #books >[!quote] > The great thing about bringing more transparency into our leadership and culture is that it becomes easier for us to be more present. When we aren’t dwelling on information we aren’t sharing, it is easier for us to be here now. And when people trust that we are being authentic and telling them what they need to know, it is easier for them to be more present with us. In this way, greater caring transparency leads to caring presence— and this creates momentum for the Wise Compassion Flywheel to spin. (Page 166) >[!quote] > Good to Great, author Jim Collins (Page 166) ### 10 The Only Way Out Is Through #### Good Hard Conversations ##### Strategy 1: Be Prepared ##### Strategy 2: See Others as Human Beings ##### Strategy 3: Give People Options ##### Strategy 4: Respond— Don’t React #### Strategy 5: Give Time >[!quote] > Good Feedback Conversations (Page 178) ##### Strategy 1: Don’t Put It Off ##### Strategy 2: Reframe Feedback as a Gift ##### Strategy 3: Focus on the Positive ##### Strategy 4: Be Objective, Not Subjective ##### Strategy 5: Create a Feedback Culture #### Practice Does Not Necessarily Make Perfect ### AFTERWORD Your Transformation Makes for a More Human World of Work >[!quote] > Whenever you experience a challenging situation with another person, ask yourself two questions: “What can I learn from this?” And, “How can I bring kindness and wisdom to this situation?” (Page 190)