%% related: [[2023-08-12]] %% ##### [[20230811|<]] 12th August 2023 [[20230813|>]] >[!note]- Video of the day >![](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8B0nnX5pmU) >[!note]+ Thought of the day >*A little on the negative side of things today.* >It's a thought that has been recurring on and off recently. As I approach turning 40 next year, I can't help but compare myself to my friends and contemporaries. Everyone seems to have their Life set - stable job, married, semi grown up kids, contented. They just have to keep grinding for the next 20-30 years and they'd be done and can check off the box that reads "fulfilling life". I, on the other hand, took the road less travelled. Much less travelled and it feels like I have too little to show for it. > >*But what disturbs me is how it feels like it's too late and the game is over for me*. >It feels too late to get into a relationship. Numerically, the time we spend together for the rest of our lives(assuming a normal life) would be shorter than the lives we have already lived > >It feels too late for me to start a family and have kids. If I did have kids, I'd be like the grandfather to the kid. Not sure how that works since I've never had kids but it doesn't sound good. Also, it means I might be dead while the fella is still pretty young (which could be a good thing really if he/she is in their 20s. Would suck if younger) > >It feels too late for me to start over in a new career if I wanted to. I've been in tech and security all my life. I'm excited by it and how it can and has been applied to improve the human condition. But at the same time, it's getting so complex that it's starting to feel less about improving lives than just creating money for businesses... But if I start over somewhere else, who would want to 'invest' in someone who might have a 20-25 year runway when they have access to people who might have 35-45 years of runway? > >It feels too late for me to 'change country' if I wanted to because 'my shelf life' to the new country would be shorter than those who move when they're 10 years younger. > >*I don't feel defeated* but it does make question if I'm just playing a game to pass time at this point. >*I don't regret my choices* because they've afforded me other things that my contemporaries don't get - mostly the ability to actually use my time on and with the people I care about the most while they're also young enough to really live life. >*I also don't think I'm alone feeling like this*. > >*But it also feels too early to look forward to death* (I say this matter of factly and not like some depressed/emo person). And so I find myself stuck in this philosophical state of limbo - if the outcome of the risks/losses/wins/mistakes I made didn't bring me to the top, what do I do now? How do I continue to be useful to the people around me and to the wider society? > > ###### New Notes today - [[How I Actually Write A Strategy Document by Alex M H Smith]] [[Blog - Home|< Return to Blog - Home]] --- To have a conversation with me about this note, email me at [email protected] To understand why I chose to use email over comments, [[Why I'm using email instead of comments|read this]].